they shall be one
In my life,I could have taken so many different roads.These roads could have wound up with such different results. As a child, I read Choose Your Own Adventure books. Reading the stories lead to a crossroads in the adventure. The chapter ended, and you had to answer a question. The question forced the reader to become actively involved in the storyline. Choosing one answer lead to one page and another lead to another page. For example,the question posed maybe,"Should Jack go into the cave? Choose page 24 if he should and page 36 if he shouldn't." You had time to shut the book and think on it. If you wanted to cheat, you could look ahead to where it lead. Either way, the choice lead to the character's demise or lead to another decision futher up the road.
Life is alot like those books. Everyday is filled with choices. Choices we either regret or glad we made. Sometimes those past choices come back to confront you from time to time. A road not traveled and still left unresolved. Memeories are funny things. A song, a place, a date, a thought can bring old feelings, past things, and long ago dreams rushing back. I've moved on and alot of water has went under those bridges,but I'm still trapped there at that moment in time. My former self still holds on to what might have been. The other person who has touched your life in an intimate way has taken a different way too.
Still a part of who you are stands on that bridge waiting. Waiting for that person. That piece of you waits hour after hour, day after day, year after year, for that person. All the time unaware that person never comes. Emotions that ran deep and left you vunerable took on a life of its own in your mind and soul. How can you leave yourself so exposed and not realize that it takes on this life? Past loves will leave the heart bleeding and longing. When you see them, you realize that a piece of you still stands on that bridge looking up at the stars. I spent hours looking up at those stars and praying that God would send me the love my heart so desperately needed.
As each time I held someone and then they left, they chose their own adventure just like the books. A different version of me was left standing on that bridge wondering about the heavens. I went away like a wounded animal to lick my wounds and left that part of me there. Only to be reminded of them when these past loves passed by. Whether bumping into them in the store, talking through a friend, or meeting their new spouse and find out who their married too. A conversation can start about current events on jobs, family, or homelife. But sometimes it turns to what happened to us, and what went wrong. No answer ever fully resolves it. I walk away and see that part of me staring at the stars. Him still believing the past love is still standing beside him. He's oblivious to my words. He refuses to take his eyes off the heavens. I try valiantly to get his attention but with no results.
I scream,"Get over it." But he doesn't even realize there is anything to get over. I touch them, everyone of the many different selves standing on that bridge. Each one is of various ages. Younger to older, each one has an intense stare at the sky. I can't get them to look down. I touch each one on the shoulder and feel the pain and anguish of a soul left raw and exposed to the cold. Yet,they are forever optimistic that God hasn't abandoned and the true love God has sent still stands beside them. Never realizing no one stands beside them but a phantom. A mirage of a past that might have been but wasn't meant to be.
Only one can speak to them and get their attention. The one God had promised to me underneath those stars. She stared at those same stars in someone else's arms then and how the substitutes I held pained me. I refused to believe they were substitutes for her until she arrived. I tricked myself into believing they were the one. Now only the one, can break through to them and the lies I told them. The one has to take them by the hand and look at the stars together. Telling them in her small,tender voice,"My love, the one you have been waiting for has arrived. The one who will laugh with you, cry with you, dream with you, and live for you. I have come to pick up the petals that have fallen from your hands. And restore the blossom of love to you."
Sunday, October 25, 2015
they shall be one
Posted by Lance
Labels: Writings 2
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