"The most important of life's battles is the one we fight daily in the silent chambers of the soul."

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Shattered Heart

"Son, what have u done?!! That was a very special vase your mother had...her mother gave her that vase. Now it lies shattered on the floor in a million pieces.
We will sweep it up so noone gets cut on it. You need to tell your mother. I'm not mad but it just meant alot to her. And it's irreplaceable."
That moment I remember from my childhood. As a young boy, I felt so devestated. The shatter pieces of that beautiful vases that once held roses.
Roses that my dad had bought my mother for valentine's days, birthdays. and anniversaries.No glue, tape or anything could put that beautiful,antique vase back together.
It may have held roses my grandfather had given in love to my grandmother, too. Now it lay shattered with pieces thrown everywhere.
Nervously, I swept with the broom. I held big pieces in my hand and looked. Wondering how many shelves had this vase sit on.
Each big piece still had the shape
of a red rose pedal showing through. And I sobbed holding the shattered piece in my little hands. I thought I would have no vase to put my flowers in one day.
I recall that passing memory. I've been shattered like I've never been before.
 The life I knew lies in a thousand pieces on the floor.Everyone wants to tell me what to do or how to feel.
 And words fall short in times like these. This world has drove me to my knees.
 I believe I'm never gonna get back to the person that I used to be.
"Heart... beat again." Nothing.
 I close my eyes and breathe in.
 Shadows fall and darken the way.
I want to leave the darkness. I want to feel the sun.

God in these moments doesn't allow me complete relief. But always speaks like a cool drink.

" Let every heartbreak
 And every scar
 Be a picture that reminds you
 Who has carried you this far
 'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
 In this moment heaven's working
 Everything for your good."

"But God everyone expects me to hold it all together.
Everybody needs me strong.
You don't understand, Father, life has hit me out of nowhere
and barely left me holding on.
I'm tired of fighting.
God, I'm on my knees and answers seem so far away.
I feel so alone. My whole world's falling apart."

I remember my dad picking me up from sobbing. He lifted me up to his powerful shoulders. I laid my head on his broad chest. His strong arms embraced and just held me.
My little heart beating so frantically. It would stop at times, it seemed. But I could hear the calm beating of his heart. He stroked my head.
Running his hand through my hair, stroking it. Trying to calm his child. Allowing me to cry my heart out. Until my heart started to beat in time with his.
My heart and
his heart seemed to beat together as one. It felt as if my heart that had been beating so frantically and had stopped, now beat in a calm steady rythem
with his.
He started to set me down. "No, dad, please, just hold me just a little while longer."
I never wanted him to let go that day. Oh, the peace to a heart to just be held.

"God, do you love me?"I asked.
He whispered to my heart.
"If you keep your eyes on the storms of this life,
You'll wonder if I still love you. Look to my cross. Keep your eyes on me there.
And you'll always know I have and I always will love you still.
Not one of your tears is wasted. I've held each one that your heart has shed. Before life made your heart cold and dead, I formed it. I was there to start the
first beat in your mother's womb. And I will be here when your ready to start it beating again.
In time, you'll understand. Ashes is all you feel is left of your heart once life has scorched it.
But I'm painting beauty with the ashes. And the masterpiece will be done in time.
Your life and heart have always been in My hands."

So I hold shattered pieces of my heart...and know that He restores life to the dead. And causes the shattered hearts of the dead to live again.
And His promises are never broken or unfaithful. He finishes what he started. And as I hold a piece of a cold, dead shattered heart; just as I held the piece of the
broken vase as a boy and sobbed...tears stream down my face now as I look at the scars and heartbreaks.
Those words try to breathe life into my shattered heart.

And as my soul searching continues in this life...I lift my hands. I lift my eyes in the storm where I find myself. God says, "I hold your heart. I am the God who
won't let go. Rest. Rest in the arms that will not let you go."

So I place my shattered heart into the hands of God. Cause God is the Master Designer and He can build out of the most shattered heart...something Beautiful.
"Lord, heal my heart."
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."-Psalm 34:18
Lance Gargus