"The most important of life's battles is the one we fight daily in the silent chambers of the soul."

Sunday, July 01, 2007


O LORD, you deceived me, and I was deceived; you overpowered me and prevailed. I am ridiculed all day long; everyone mocks me.

Cursed be the day I was born!

May the day my mother bore me not be blessed. For he did not kill me in the womb, with my mother as my grave, her womb enlarged forever.

Why did I ever come out of the womb to see trouble and sorrow and to end my days in shame?

Jeremiah 20

Alone. Who hasn't at one time or another felt alone? "You don't know what it's like to be. To have people stare at you like they hate you. To be alone in a crowd."
The words he spoke hung heavy in the air as if it was awaiting a response. I sat on my father's tombstone and listened to his words. The sun was beginning to sit on that hot summer day. My mother listened to his words of pain as he shouted at the world. I came to visit my father's grave trying to do my own soul searching. And here stood one who knew me better than anyone struggling with his hurt soul.

I just hung my head and said nothing. Her pleading with him about brothers getting along. Him ranting about the infidelity of his ex-wife and how she had hurt him. No children ever came from the marriage. She left with someone he thought he trusted. Alone and growing older his prospects for happiness seemed few. The women he met were superficial and cared for other things. Born with a heart condition called Noonan Syndrome it left him with a small frame and with a chest bone that sunk in. Ugly by no means is he but not up to the standards of most women,I guess, in appearance. Most unable to see his heart.

Though damaged in its function from birth was in much better shape than others. For his heart genuinely cared for others. But just as he felt deep love, he also felt deep hurt that manifested itself as anger unleashed in a tirade of words. Never violent or one to raise his hand, his words did the carnage for him. His words never came from a heart of hatred but born of suffering. Desperately wanting to help him my own words failed me. "I can't make someone love him," I thought,"But dear, Jesus, what can I do?"

He sees others with their children playing and how happy they are. The wife standing with her husband no matter what. He longed for what others had. Is this wrong for someone to long for? He cursed everything under the sun. He cursed the day he was born."Why didn't God just let me die when I was born?"

"For others even in church to look down upon me for having no one.""To think something is wrong with you cause you don't have a wife and kids.""I just want what they have and to be happy.""Hell is all that awaits me for me. I have accomplished nothing with my life." Wave after wave the words flew from an aching heart. I sat there on that tombstone and looked at my dad's grave and felt so numb. The hurt and pain he felt was so raw. Each word like a solid fist. In my frustration of trying to help, I was taken in by his anger. I found it consuming me. His hurt became my hurt. His anger my anger. In those still small moments my mind just whirls.

Earlier at church I had prayed with all my heart for peace within and for us all. In that moment I suddenly raised my head to see a white dove. Never had I ever seen one around here except mourning doves. This one was flying straight at me. It landing just a short distance from where I was. It was of the purest white I had ever beheld. I hadn't told the rest of my family what I had been doing at the exact moment the dove had appeared. It had appeared out of nothing before my unbelieving eyes. The dove stayed back and watched. As I left the dove took flight to follow my vehicle. My father loved doves and had two mourning doves follow him back and forth to church the last year of his life.

This dove though was radiantly white like light. As we left, it circled back to the church. My prayer was simply that we and especially, my brother could find peace. Will peace come to him? I don't know. If Christ loves us like a brother and won't give up on us, how could I do any less for my own brother no matter the cost.

Soul Bound (Pt. 2)

Walking through this darkness
All alone
Nothing left but darkness
I'm cold as a stone
people are just shadows I have known
Life is almost gone
Numb to the bone

Trying to remember my happy face
Anger is all that has took your place
And in this darkness
This empty space
I am alone

Now the night is falling
All hope is gone
Love's mocking laughter floats through dark trees
No wife, no children, no accomplishments, everything you've done, you've done wrong,
The clouds of despair rain all night
Time's up, love is truly gone
The end of your song

Hold on
Hold on
For my soul was bound, too
Take my hand, brother, let's break on through
My soul's shadow blinded me
But our father's gentle dove broke me free.

Lance Gargus

Holy Spirit,Doves,Love,Children,Heaven


Enemy of the Republic said...

Wow. When I went to this Christian conference on fear, I bought a book called Grief and Pain in the Plan of God: Christian Assureance & The Message of Lamentations. It has been a project of mine to study Jeremiah verse by verse--I did it with Isaiah, but I haven't done so as of yet. Odd, Isaiah writes in 53 of the man acquainted with our sorrows, yet Jeremiah could also be that man as well in the most human form: focusing on the pain without seeing the path or the light at the end of the tunnel that spells a new creation. Just a thought.

My father went through much of that before he died, so I do understand and two of my siblings never forgave him. What does it really mean to be alone? We were born as such and will leave the same way. I can handle being alone, but loneliness and isolation is another thing. I think when we say "alone", we really mean "misunderstood", "unconnected", "alienated". It can happen in a crowd of people. It can happen in a marriage. I believe most people, in fact ALL people suffer from this. One could say that if one trusts and believes in Christ's promises in the Gospels, we will know that we are not alone. But that just doesn't cut it for those in extreme pain. Instead, we accept this as a reality of the human condition and trust that the pain will not be constant, even though it may return. Despite the scars I have from so much grief and loss, I truly believe all things work out for the good of God, and he is perfecting us. But it hurts and I know I am not afraid to tell him so. Life isn't meant to be fair; it simply is.

Shinade said...

Very powerful and very moving Lance. The poem is simply outstanding. You have been given the gift and that is surely revealed when I read your writings.

God Bless,

Carol said...

This is a sad story - one of hopelessness, despair, anger, and covetousness. (maybe more) I don't say this to point a finger at your dad, but rather to show what we must guard against. I'm sure we've all been there and have experienced these feelings, but Christ can overcome all things and if we abide in Him.

We should forgive those who have wronged us, be content with what God has provided for us and not long for what others have, we should put our hope and trust in Jesus and not despair, and we should not let anger consume us because it could lead to sin and all of the above.

My comment may sound like something off the cuff, short, and maybe even unsympathetic but believe me when I tell you, it is truly heartfelt and sincere because I've battled similar issues. My 'short' answer is the bottom line, the conclusion even though there are many things I could have said to lead up to that.

Enemy of the Republic said...

With your permission, I am recommending your site to a friend who I think would benefit--a wonderful person.

Annette Beason said...

I think there's more people than you know who can relate to that.

Annette Beason said...

I've added you to mine and Jeff's blogs...thanks!

MadMaktub said...

Im a bit confuse today. I came back from a distant city where were just dust and wind. Come here is like come back to a good place where we feel good. I'll be back. Thanks for sharing your blog. Since I started reading to now many things are changing inside of me.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Looking forward to your next post (hint!--I have to think of one for my silly blog). I'm a fan now. But this truly was a great one.

Mayden' s Voyage said...

My heart skipped a beat when I saw your name at my place...
I lost someone named Lance that I was growing to love very much- like the older brother I never had...or a best friend a few years ahead of me on the path of life.

"people are just shadows I have known"
Sigh- and yet those shadows have somehow made an impression, left their mark- on me.

When I have a bit more time I will come back here and read to my hearts content- lovely spot on the net you have here Lance- thanks for visiting me :)

TheNewBreed said...

hey lance, i've updated. hope u like itt !

Mike said...

Great photo!

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